How To Enjoy The Super Bowl As A CFL Fan

Hey Argos Empire!

It’s Super Bowl time, and all your favourite sports media outlets have drowned you in wave after wave of pregame analysis.  Some of you are excited because your team’s playing.  Some of you are excited because it looks like a good game on paper.  Some of you are excited because you know the chili from last year’s party’s making a return.  And some of you are pissed because this is such a bigger deal in the media than the Grey Cup is.  Well, not to worry, folks; I got your back.  Here’s some ideas how you, as a die-hard CFL fan can still enjoy the biggest game south of the border.

1. Eat, Drink, and Be Merry

Look, it’s a party.  This is why the phrase, “Super Bowl Party” is part of our vernacular.  So over-indulge in the food (there’s always more), DO NOT over-indulge in the booze (we want happy memories, people), and take the time to get to know your office crush (“Did you bring the 7-layer dip? It’s fantastic! What’s your secret?”).

2. Gambling

Let’s face it; as long as there’s athletic competition, there’ll be people betting on the outcome.  Throw in a two week lead up to a one night event, and you’ll see the most in depth analysis of the game thru every minute detail.  Check out Toronto Argos sponsors Bet365.Net for the latest line on the big game.  “But Jube,” You say, “I haven’t followed the NFL at all this season and I really don’t care about the outcome.  Is there any way I can make money on something else?”  Absolutely!  There’s also prop bets.  Basically, there are odds on everything about the game beyond the final score.  From the length of the national anthem, to how many times Peyton Manning will call, “OMAHA!” in his cadence.  Check out Deadspin for a list and links for all the prop bets for the big game.

3.  The Halftime Show

As the Super Bowl is an international event, the broadcasters have looked to the halftime show to attract the non-football fan viewers.  Since the game has been sold out for months, and the football fans are watching regardless, you rarely see the bands whose music is heard in the stadium during the game or in highlight packages (Man…AC/DC would be an awesome halftime show!  But, I digress).  This year, we’ve got Bruno Mars.  He’s a chart topper and a heartthrob.  He’s also working with a budget bigger than any tour he’s been a part of (I’m guessing) so be ready for a visual spectacle.  Not Janet Jackson calibre visual spectacle, but an entertaining spectacle nonetheless.

4.  The Commercials

Okay, this one has a caveat attached.

Y’see, for years broadcasters have turned the Super Bowl from a sporting event into a cultural experience.  Along with the halftime show, advertisers bring out the big guns for the world’s largest television audience.  To give you an idea of the value of getting your ad on this show, the average cost of a 30-second commercial will be about four million dollars.
…I’ll let that sink in for a sec.

We’re talking Dr. Evil money, here.

“So Jube,” you ask.  “Where’s this ‘caveat’ you were threatening with?”  Here it is, chief.  Y’see, all the big bucks on Super Bowl advertising is spent by US-based companies for the US broadcast.  The Canadian feed will sub in their own ads (usually for TV shows on the network) during commercial breaks.  So most of us Canadians either go to YouTube the next day, or they stream the game from a US feed to get the good ads.

5.  The Actual Football Game

Stephen Colbert described it as, "The Seattle Sad Birds vs. the Denver Horse Ghosts."

Stephen Colbert described it as, “The Seattle Sad Birds vs. the Denver Horse Ghosts.”

Right-facing logos aside, you’ve got the Denver Broncos versus the Seattle Seahawks.  This looks great on paper, with the Broncos’ record-setting, #1 league offense facing the Seahawks’ league-best defense.  There are tonnes of stories leading up to Sunday’s kickoff, so giv’er a click & I know you’ll find a reason to tune in.

6.  Being a dick

Okay, we get it; you don’t like football.  The combined salaries of the players playing Sunday is greater than the GDP of some third world countries.  The game glorifies violence and is full of the same guys that gave you that atomic wedgie back in Grade 9.  The amount of MSG consumed today shorten everyone’s lives by a collective 237 years.  The ads epitomize the commercialism that’s consuming the soul of Western civilization.  The only thing worse than the commercialism is the blight that is gambling happening that is destroying lives RIGHT NOW.

…Look, we all know your identity is based solely around how you relish not fitting in with any social gathering, and the only thing you like more than not fitting in is shitting on everyone’s good time.  But I’m gonna ask you a favour; check that shit at the door.  C’mon down to the party with an open mind.  Grab some greasy chicken wings, a bottle of non-microbrewed beer, and ask someone what to watch for during the game.  Be open to a new experience and you might just enjoy yourself.

Kickoff’s right around the corner, so lemme know what you’re looking for from the Super Bowl in the comments.  And remember, the CFL season is only 5 months away.

…I know, I know.  We’ll get thru this together.

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