Thanksgiving At The Barker’s
October 11, 2013
Scene: Argos GM Jim Barker is hosting the team for Thanksgiving. A cornucopia of delights laid out on the massive dining room table.
Barker and the coaching staff are sitting at the head of the table when head coach Scott Milanovich calls for the rest of the guests.
Scott Milanovich: Okay boys, huddle up!
Jim Barker: Scott, we don’t need a huddle. It’s not a game.
Milanovich: Practice the way you play, Jim.
Barker: It’s not practice, either. It’s Thanksgiving dinner.
Milanovich: But I’ve already scripted the first four courses.
Barker: …Nevermind. C’mon in, boys! We’re just about ready!
(the team begins to file into the dining room. John Chiles walks in, TV remote in hand, scratching his head)
John Chiles: I don’t get it, man. Detroit on the road? Dallas not playing in the afternoon? And where was the Macy’s parade? What happened to Thanksgiving tradition?
Barker: John, it’s Canadian Thanksgiving.
Barker: Canada celebrates Thanksgiving in October, while America celebrates in November.
Jason Pottinger: John, in the United States, the modern Thanksgiving holiday tradition is commonly, but not universally, traced to a poorly documented 1621 celebration at Plymouth in present-day Massachusetts. The 1621 Plymouth feast and thanksgiving was prompted by a good harvest. While some researchers state that “there is no compelling narrative of the origins of the Canadian Thanksgiving day”, the first Canadian Thanksgiving is often traced back to 1578 and the explorer Martin Frobisher. Frobisher, who had been trying to find a northern passage to the Pacific Ocean, held his Thanksgiving celebration not for harvest but in thanks for surviving the long journey from England through the perils of storms and icebergs…
Jeff Keeping: Okay, okay. We get it, McMaster. You’re smart.
Chris Van Zeyl: I went to McMaster too, and I’m thankful for my beard. I miss my beard…
Barker: We’re not at the, “What I’m Thankful” part yet, Chris.
Milanovich: We’re lucky we didn’t get a procedure flag on that one. FOCUS!
Chiles: Either way, I’m really looking forward to all the sweet Canadian Black Monday deals tomorrow. I’m gonna go camp outside Future Shop right after dinner!
(Chiles produces wilderness survival kit)
Barker: Where’d you get that?
Swayze Waters: Roadhouse!
Barker: But John, there’s no…Nevermind. Has anyone seen Pat?
(Pat Watkins appears behind Barker)
Pat Watkins: ‘Sup?
Barker: Cripes!! Pat I never even saw you!
Watkins (smiling): Yeah. I know.
Barker: Grab a seat, man. Zach’s gonna get us started with some appetizers.
(From the kitchen, several burnt pigs in a blanket are thrown into the dining room, hitting players in the back of the head, the floor, and the table.)
Barker: What the…?
Milanovich: He’s not great with starters, but his finish with dessert is epic!
Barker: *sigh* Is everyone here?
(Andre Durie slides thru a window, dives over the table, landing in an empty chair)
Andre Durie: ‘Sup guys?
Barker: Wasn’t that window closed…?
Durie: Someone pass the rolls, please?
(Four rolls are thrown from the kitchen, then disappear)
(All eyes turn to Watkins, with four rolls on his plate)
Watkins: Sorry man. Want one?
Chad Owens: Nice work, bruh.
(Watkins attempts fist bump with Owens, who immediately traps him in a cross armbreaker)
(Watkins taps, Owens helps him up, dusts him off, bro hugs it out)
Barker: Okay, okay. Let’s carve this turkey and…Why is the table moving?
(Under the table, Robert McCune is bench pressing it)
Robert McCune: Hey guys. Figured I could get some work in.
Barker: Great dedication! We’ll wait ’til you’re finished.
Barker: *sigh* Nevermind.
(Chris Van Zeyl holds the turkey by the legs up to his chin)
Van Zeyl: Hey guys, remember my beard?
Van Zeyl: I miss my beard.
All: We know.
Barker: Okay, since Chris has us started, let’s go around the table and say what we’re all thankful for.
(All players’ hands go up)
Barker: Aside from football.
(All players’ hands slowly lower)
McCune (from under the table): One hundred eighty-eight…One hundred eighty-nine…
Unidentified man behind Mike Bradwell: Well, I’m thankful for Mither Bradwell’s luxurious lokths of hair.
Barker: …Who are you?
Unidentified man: I am Mither Bradwell’s Perthonal Follicle Attendant, Fernando. And, it ith a TRAVESTY that you make thish man cover thish majestic mane with your stoopid helmet!
(Fernando continues to brush Bradwell’s hair)
Mike Bradwell: He’s got a point, coach. Who says I’ve gotta wear a helmet?
Milanovich: Ummm…THE RULES???
Fernando: Pfft. Rulths.
Bradwell: I know, right?
Barker: Okay, next?
Van Zeyl: I’m thankful for Mike’s hair, too.
Keeping: Sick flow, man.
McCune (from under the table): Two hundred thirty seven…Two hundred Thirty eight…
(Front door opens)
Ricky Ray: Hey guys!
Ray: Thanks for waiting for me. Man, I’m hungry! Mind if I carve?
Barker: Not at all.
Don Landry (Through a megaphone from the living room): Now carving, number fifteen, RICKY RAY!!!
Barker: Looks like we’re ready for Hamilton.
Milanovich: I’ve already got our first nine plays scripted and our halftime adjustments scribbled on this napkin!
McCune (from under the table): Three hundred thirty-three…Three hundred thirty-four…
Tip of the cap to Down Goes Brown for the inspiration (he does this much better than I do)
Photos courtesy of rodpedersen.com, amandaparkerandfamily.blogspot.com, thehuddle.co, ww2.canadafootballchat.com, zimbio.com, business.financialpost.com, torontosun.com, proplayers.ca, oodmag.com, saultstar.com, sports.nationalpost.com, louisvillesportsbuzz.wordpress.com, housepricecrash.co.uk, ellecanada.com, edmontonsun.com, friendsoftheargonauts.com